Posts Tagged ‘Jeff Foxworthy’

New Rules, v. 2 (or J & B down on Queen St.)

Disclaimer!!! The owner of this blog does not assume responsibility for any possible offence taken by any readers. Bear in mind, I sometimes offend myself!!

Good friend Barb & I got together recently & proceeded to laugh our socks off. (Well, it’s summer, of course, & we haven’t worn socks for months – but it’s a fun way to describe it, hmmm? Another way to put it would be that we laughed our asses off – but anyone can see in a flash we’re both still sporting those…).

Anyway, Barb is the friend who’s the Bill Maher fan, & at whose house I watch old Bill Maher episodes of his show ‘Real Time.’ I did a posting called New Rules, or if I ran the world – so this is sort of version 2…

Background: We’d just had breakfast in a restaurant & I’d set us off on a hysterical laughing fit, so we were warmed up for some nonsensical moments. Sure enough, that’s what we had! On the bus on the way back to her place, we came up with some “new rules.” Here goes…

  1. War should be fun!! We saw some kids down on Queen St. playing with “bubble guns.” Barb said, why don’t we learn to make war fun?? Combatants would only be issued with water or bubble guns &/or hoses; that way, if you can’t win the war, at least you’d get clean! Everyone a winner!!
  2. Hate the hummer: we decided maybe there is a need for a hate-the-hummer fan club… Those bloody things use up enough resources for … well, for I don’t know how many families or towns or buildings or small countries – but they are RIDICULOUS & ought to be outlawed!! Maybe the way to get started is with a Hate-the-Hummer fan club…
  3. Truck trades!! I know someone who owns a biggish honking truck who doesn’t really seem to need one (she could easily rent one, or borrow one from a buddy from time to time) & I know someone else, who lives on a farm, who doesn’t own a truck & sure could use one. What about if them’s as what doesn’t really need a big, expensive, resource-intensive item (of any description) were to make her/his big, expensive, resource-intensive item (of any description) available to someone who actually does need it??? I guess we could just call it… sharing.
  4. Golf has g-g-g-g-gotta go!!!! Golf…well…how can I say this without offending golf fans??? Guess I can’t, so I’ll just have to take the plunge (see disclaimer, above). Golf courses gobble up land that could be used for much more…useful purposes. They consume huge quantities of resources (water, electricity & nasty chemicals) for the mere amusement of people who could surely find better & cheaper (not to mention more truly exercise-y) ways to entertain themselves than this boring, ridiculous, anachronism of a … so-called sport…. (Geez! But let me tell you what I really think about golf, eh??)
  5. Beer: you gotta getta buzz!! Popped into a variety store & noticed there was some beer for sale there that doesn’t have any alcoholic content. Now what would be the point of that??? Benjamin Franklin said “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” (or so he is claimed to have said, on a placemat I saw at a certain restaurant in Toronto) – & I feel darn sure he wasn’t referring to non-alcoholic beer, ‘cos like I said, what the heck would be the point of that???
  6. Men should be fun-er!! The “average” man one encounters seems to be a wee bit…shall we say, fun-challenged. (Some) men are so serious. They (at least seem to) take themselves oh-so seriously…don’t you think?? (Of course I know a bucketful of men who are really great guys – & I even had a boyfriend once upon a time with whom I enjoyed quite a few deliciously glorious belly laughs. And other things. But it all came to an abrupt end. Somehow, it suddenly became…un-fun? Okay. It was complicated. But on the whole, I stand by my assertion that some men could stand to laugh more – & to take themselves a good deal less seriously).
  7. That death stare some women dish out sometimes has got to go!! What is that about?? I have a lot of wonderful women friends & we have a tendency when we’re out & about to laugh & carry on & have fun. I guess we get a little…noisy sometimes. Occasionally we get looked at with what my daughter & I once identified as “the Spanish death stare” – but clearly, it is employed not only by women in Spain. So, to death-stare-issuing women, I say this: “Hey, Lady. Lighten up already. No more death stares, pulleese!! Fun is … fun! Why not give it a try?? Turn up the corners of your mouth & let loose with a smile & LAUGH once in a while, already.”
  8. We need to create an International Men’s Day!! On IMD, men would be instructed to ask 3 other men to describe what they are feeling… Answers would be required to go beyond the states of hungry, horny & mad… (Oh goodness me… If I am not really, really careful here, I will wind up becoming too serious…&, truth to tell, I am far too serious myself at least 95% of the time… maybe 98%???)
  9. You made my day! is a phrase we could all stand to bandy about with much greater frequency. Hearing these words is liable to bring a smile to one’s face, & smiles lighten up our mood, & then we are liable to be a little more pleasant with whomever we next encounter, & … well, the world might be a good bit bit fun-er all around, don’t you think??
  10. Ten: What if we all started watching less junk TV & more films that make us feel empowered – instead of … filled with despair?? Barb told me she saw a movie about a really cool organization called “BobbiBear” that is wildly inspiring & empowering. I know I’m pretty crazy about Michael Moore’s documentary “Capitalism: A Love Story” – it too is inspiring & empowering. (You can watch the whole movie here.) Ah, empowerment: a very, very lovely thing, hmmm?

Well, okay, enough already. 10 is a nice, round number to end on….

Janet

P.S. As regards item # 8, let me just add this: If any readers would be interested in an enhanced grasp on the what/when/how/why of male emotions, they could sure do worse than pick up a copy of Calvin Sandborn’s great book Becoming the Kind Father – A Son’s Journey (Hint: fatherhood is definitely not required to make this book a true treasure to any reader; nor is maleness! Anyone & everyone on Planet Earth can benefit greatly from reading it. It’s a major gem!)

P.P.S. I know of at least 2 men who have a wonderfully amusing take on the ways of that mysterious creature, the human male. Dave Barry wrote an utterly hilarious book called Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (seriously bust-a-gut funny; no kidding!!) & Barb tells me there’s a comedian called Jeff Foxworthy who has memorably explained that to understand what men are thinking, there are really only 4 possibilities: 1. I sure could use a sandwich! 2. A cold beer would go good with that. 3. I really need to get laid. 4. I wonder if there’s anything good on the sports channel?

Of course we all know plenty of men with much deeper thoughts than this…but that summary sure does bring on a grand chuckle!

Quote of the day‘ w. this post:  “That older and greater church to which I belong: the church where the oftener you laugh the better, because by laughter only can you destroy evil without malice…” George Bernard Shaw

10

08 2010